Suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts, present like a cruel Gremlin that resides in many highly sensitive people (HSPs) and trauma survivors. It says the most hurtful, shaming, deceiving, and despairing things to us, burrowing into our healthy thinking to make us feel worthless about ourselves. What’s worse is that the more we listen to it, the more the Gremlin grows and we find ourselves stuck in a negative loop. Here’s a scenario: The Gremlin says something negative to us, and we think to ourselves, “Oh, is this right? Oh yeah, maybe I am (insert negative judgment).” When someone has a suicide attempt, it is often because they have been believing these low vibe thoughts and getting lost within the Gremlin’s subtle and loud messaging. 

In order to take power back from suicidal ideation, we must grow the healthy part of ourselves bigger while reducing the size and influence of the Gremlin. We can shrink and even extinguish the Suicidal Ideation Gremlin. How is this possible? This healing work is very similar to pulling weeds in a garden. We can pull a weed at the root to get rid of it, but somehow the earth knows that it’s a good spot for weeds to grow, and another one pops up. So, we just need to re-weed the same spot again and again. This is why many of my clients come back for a few sessions each year to weed their thought gardens.

One of the most powerful tools we have to address the Gremlin is self-talk. The healthy, healing script that I share below will help to reframe negative self-talk, replenish our mind and psyches with healthiness and positivity, and grow the Wise Woman/Man/Person part of ourselves. I address the collective suicidal ideation Gremlin in the dialogue, but I encourage you to speak to your own Gremlin. You may also find that I speak quite strongly. This is because I believe in taking a strong and even lovingly aggressive approach (at times) to overpower the Gremlin with new wisdom. Please note that this isn’t the strategy that everyone uses, so take what works for you and leave the rest.

“Hey, Gremlin. I see you. I’ve heard you working me today. You’re starting to dig in, huh? Just gotta pick away at me. Nothing’s ever good enough. What’s the point? Why even try? You really think that person’s gonna be able to help you? You really think today’s gonna be a better day? Fuck you, Gremlin. You have been doing this to me way too long. But I’m figuring out what you are and how you work—and you’re nothing, but a little Gremlin

I have given you so much power. I have listened to you. I have let you decide my worth. I’ve let you guide my behaviors. I’ve let you convince me to hurt myself, but I’m figuring you out, aren’t I? You’re nothing but a mashup of everyone who’s ever hurt me, of every shaming message, of every perfect picture in a magazine and how I process that against my own worth and value. You’re a mashup of every snide remark, every backhanded compliment, every passive-aggressive, destructive, hurtful, dismissing comment I’ve ever heard. But I’m figuring you out.

And as I figure you out, you can’t hurt me the same way anymore. I know I don’t have to listen to you anymore. I know that the less I listen to you, the more you shrink. Every nasty time you wield your head in my head, in my heart, in my body—I know you’re just flailing because I’m shrinking you and you don’t want to go away. I’m learning how to love myself. I’m learning that I matter and that I count. I’m learning that all moments pass. I’m learning that I have a right, a permission to feel good in my body, in my relationships. I’m learning to set boundaries with people who hurt me, to stand up for myself, and to stop accepting pain. I’m learning to lift myself up. I’m growing a healthy part. You don’t get to run my life anymore, Gremlin. Every day it gets a little simpler to figure out your tricks. I’m not listening to you anymore. I have people to help me, and resources and tools. Leave me alone. I don’t need you anymore. Get out of my head. Go away. I’ve had enough.

I love myself even when it’s hard or when I don’t know what things mean or what I’m doing. I will not hurt myself. I will use my energy to ask for help. I can write out the nasty things you say if I just can’t make you shut up, but I don’t have to act on them. I will continue to grow my self-worth. I know now that when I grow my self-worth, you have to shrink—and I like that. I’m excited to know that I have more power and control over you. I’m winning. I’m learning to thrive and I’m determined. I will not stay in survival mode. I know what I’m doing now. I’m learning how to live. The more I live, the less room is available for you to rent, Gremlin.”

Take a moment: How did that feel? Were you able to tell your own Gremlin to fuck off? Do you feel more empowered, more self-loving? Breathe into the possibility that other people like you—HSPs, trauma survivors, and those in recovery—are also figuring out the Gremlin. This is healing and growth work.

If you need help, know that you can always reach out for help from a healer that aligns with your energy and desires. If you need immediate help, contact your local emergency service or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255 if in the US. You are important. You are worth digging into this work. Having hope may seem scarier at times than believing the Gremlin, but that is part of the manipulation of the Gremlin. Don’t fall for it! Change and lightness, a sense of ease, presence, and love are available. If you are in need of Cultivating Safe Space Within, here is a meditation to practice and grow.

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Love and Light,

Nikki

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