How many highly sensitive people (HSPs) and empaths struggle with assertiveness? Most of us have grown up our whole lives with messages that we should remain quiet, obedient, passive, and non-confrontational. Over the years, I have met many HSPs and empaths who want to be more assertive, but are scared to speak up for themselves. They would often tell me that they felt like a bitch when they asserted themselves. They would describe feeling bitchy when they had to say something that they knew the other person did not want to hear.

Just like many of us, I was taught from a very young age to bite my tongue and hold back. I remember one of these moments with my Sicilian grandfather when I was five or six years old. He was a fishmonger in New Orleans and would always wear a gold necklace with the emblem of an open-mouthed bass fish. I loved that necklace. So, one day while we were swimming in his pool, I very innocently looked up at him and asked, “When you die, may I have this fish to remember you by?” My grandfather was so offended that I had mentioned death. It was not something we were allowed to talk about. From this experience and many others throughout my childhood, I learned that it was my responsibility to hide my real feelings and keep to myself.

Years later, as a new and overworked counselor, I had another lesson in assertiveness. Like many who work in the mental health field, I was getting worn down and worn out, carrying patient loads that were overwhelming and exhausting. After a year and a half, I really needed a break. That’s when I found yoga. It helped me realize that I was more powerful than I previously thought and led me to assert myself more. So, when work would say, “Oh Nikki, I need you to stay 3 extra hours and run this big family group tonight,” I’d reply, “Oh, I’m sorry. I already signed up for a yoga class.” Here I was practicing the assertiveness and boundaries strategies that I was also teaching my addiction recovery clients. Ironically, they were not being respected in the mental health team where I worked.

As my story points out, we are often faced with assertiveness work, not because we want to, but because we feel backed into a corner. As HSPs, empaths, and seekers, if we don’t start fighting for our lives, our lives will pass us by. The way out is to learn assertiveness. Now, assertiveness is not the same as aggressiveness. Aggressiveness is a fighting energy at best and a viscous energy at worst. Violence is aggressive. Screaming at someone is aggressive. Assertiveness is also not passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressiveness is a mixed message. It’s giving someone the silent treatment, subtle insults, sulky and pouty behavior, failing to finish required tasks or responsibility to “punish,” and resistance to owning mistakes. Being passive is the opposite of being aggressive. Passiveness results in feeling like a doormat and obsessively saying yes. It’s avoiding conflict for fear of the reaction or for fear of the feeling we will have to the reaction. Often, we find it more difficult to deal with the tidal waves of feeling that we get from the other person as highly sensitive people. This is where many of us get stuck between mind and body—and, where an intuitive healer can help to guide us in surfing the waves instead of getting smacked by them.

So, here we come to the Bitch Hat. The truth is, if we feel like a bitch when we simply assert ourselves, it’s time to practice radical acceptance. We’ve been trying so hard to push down the bitchy feelings, but it’s not helping us feel any better. If we can’t give ourselves permission to do what’s reasonable, how do we expect to feel reasonable? It’s time we say to ourselves with compassion, “Alright, you’re gonna feel like a bitch. Let me get out the Bitch Hat. Let me just wear it.” Remember, being assertive does not make us a bitch or bitchy. If we’ve been taught this, giving ourselves permission is important in right-ing this dysfunctional teaching. 

I hope we all find the radical acceptance we need to wear the Bitch Hat in certain moments in life. While we may not always practice this perfectly, we can grow and learn to shift from passive and/or aggressive strategies with ourselves and others, to more enlightened, empowered, impactful, grounded, centered, brave, and life-affirming assertiveness. I’ll share one more story to show how far I’ve come in learning this. I pressed charged against my father for incestuous childhood abuse. He was the kindest, most loving, most interested adult in my life, and the one who listened to me in genuine moments—when he wasn't hurting me. To be able to do what was right, protect other children, and get justice (or as close as I could get), I had to embrace radical acceptance and give myself a lot of permission to put on the Bitch Hat. I hope we’ll all add the Bitch Hat to our toolboxes to help us dig deep in those tough moments in life. And, we can trust that these feelings will shift over time until we will no longer feel like or need to wear the Bitch Hat. 

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Love and Light,

Nikki

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