In this episode we break down the effects of stranger sexual abuse and ongoing sexual abuse by a care taker, and review guidance on how and where to focus healing in recovery. Learn to care for your inner and outer environment, create sanctuary, consider the continuum of hyper sexuality to asexuality.

This is a very specific episode, but it is still for everyone in this audience because as highly sensitive people and as empaths, as intuitives, we really are the caretaking tribe. We are the healers, we are the listening ears. We are the people that others go to when they're hurting. Talking about childhood abuse, specifically intimate abuse or sexual abuse, is something I want to talk more about because I have my own experience, and then, my experience as a trauma therapist. And I do think that most people, even most professionals in this realm, sort of pussyfoot around it for a lot of reasons. We don't have great dialogue around sex in general. When I studied sex, my favorite sex professor, Dr. King, he explained that in our American society, we have very mixed messages of puritan and over the top sexuality. Basically, our pendulum swings wildly and we don't have a solid grounding.

If you're a sexual abuse survivor who's feeling stuck and frustrated with your healing journey, this episode is for you. You'll learn the Sanctuary Solution – a powerful framework for healing and self-love.

I am a sexual abuse survivor and trauma therapist. I have observed that many people, even professionals, avoid talking about sexual abuse. I believe that this is because we don't have great dialogue around sex, in general, in our society. Trauma informed teachings in the healing realms of therapy or yoga therapy seem to give practitioners the impression that sexually abused people are extremely delicate. Sexual abuse survivors are anything but delicate. They are quite strong. I advise learning the difference as a healer or as a survivor between the acknowledgment of “I was victimized” versus what I call buying real estate in the victimhood. Sexual abuse in childhood hijacks our natural sexual exploration and development. It makes the roles of pursuer and pursued wonky. It's common for survivors to become polarized into one of two extremes: sexually turning off and asexual or hypersexual. I observe the internet and social media really pushing this idea directly and indirectly that trauma is held in the act and that's not really true. The trauma is actually held in how we hold it in our minds and in our bodies, the messages that we receive, the messages that we create from that event. I hope this list helps survivors out there know with more clarity what it is they are attempting to heal after enduring such an abuse. Healing is a reclaiming and a re-nurturing of our personhood. Boundaries are imperative here figuring out where you start and stop and where another person starts and stops, all while giving the self permission to find voice, to speak up, to grow into clear, strong yeses and nos and initiate negotiation as we relate with people from a place of self worth of mattering without going passive doormat or level ten fighter.

Here are the steps you need to follow to also get healing and self-love:
1. Acknowledging that you were victimized
2. Grieving what you lost
3. Reclaiming your personhood

1. Acknowledging that you were victimized.
In order to begin healing from abuse, it is first necessary to acknowledge that you were victimized. This can be a difficult and painful process, but it is an essential step in moving forward. Many survivors of abuse feel shame and blame themselves for what happened, but it is important to remember that you are not responsible for the abuse. The first step in healing is to allow yourself to grieve the loss of your innocence and the violation of your rights. This can be done through therapy, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend or family member. It is also important to develop healthy boundaries, both with yourself and with others. This will help you to feel safe and secure as you begin to rebuilding your life.

Establishing healthy boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for yourself after experiencing abuse is to establish healthy boundaries. This means setting limits on what you will tolerate from others and learning to say no when you are feeling uncomfortable. It is also important to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. This might include getting regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, and getting enough sleep. Taking time for yourself to relax and do things you enjoy will also help you to heal.

Seeking help from a therapist is another important step in healing from abuse. This is a safe place to talk about your experiences and begin to work through the pain. A therapist can also help you to develop healthy coping skills and to understand more about what you are experiencing. If you are not ready to see a therapist, there are also many helpful books and articles available on the topic of abuse.

2. Grieving what you lost.
To grieve what you lost after experiencing sexual abuse, it is important to first acknowledge what happened and that it had a major impact on your life. It is important to allow yourself to feel the pain of these losses and to express your grief in a way that is comfortable for you. This may involve crying, writing, talking, or anything else that helps you to release the emotions you are feeling. As you grieve, you will start to heal the wounds of the past and move forward in your life.

It can be difficult to know how to grieve the loss of your innocence, the loss of control over your body, and the loss of trust in others. You may feel like you have to keep the pain inside or that no one will understand what you're going through. However, it is important to allow yourself to grieve in a way that is comfortable for you. This may involve crying, writing, talking, or anything else that helps you to release the emotions you are feeling. As you grieve, you will start to heal the wounds of the past and move forward in your life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a process that is unique to each individual. Some people may find it helpful to talk to a therapist or join a support group. Others may find journaling or writing to be helpful. Whatever method you choose, it is important to allow yourself to feel the pain of the losses you have experienced. As you grieve, you will start to heal the wounds of the past and move forward in your life.

3. Reclaiming your personhood.
If you are a nurse or a counselor who has done rape crisis work in a rape crisis center or a woman's shelter in an emergency room, yes, this moment takes delicacy. That person often feels emotionally and physically shattered and or dissociative, which can seem to the outsider like they aren't there, like the lights are on but nobody's home, like something about their consciousness has flown away. Sexual abuse are quite strong for living through such a violation. I am grateful for those who will lean in bravely with good intentions for survivors being brave enough to show care even at the risk of possibly saying the wrong thing and igniting feelings in a survivor. If that happens, know that you're not igniting the feelings. Those feelings are there because of the abuse and that may actually be a release and not necessarily a bad thing, even though it might be intense or uncomfortable in that release of emotion. One of the things that hurts most survivors from their support systems is when someone says nothing at all. And this is true for sexual abuse survivor.

It is natural to want to protect ourselves from feeling the pain of another person's trauma, but in order to truly support survivors, we need to be willing to lean in and feel some of that pain alongside them. It is not our job to fix or change their experience, but simply to be present with them in it. This can be difficult, but it is so important. When a survivor comes forward, it is an incredibly brave act. They are trusting us with their story and their pain, and we need to honor that trust. We need to listen, believe, and support them. This is not always easy, but it is so important. Survivors need to know that they are not alone, and that we are here for them.

Childhood abuse, specifically sexual abuse, can have a major impact on a person's life. It is important to acknowledge what happened and to allow yourself to grieve the losses you have experienced. This can be done through therapy, journaling, or talking with a trusted friend or family member. As you grieve, you will start to heal the wounds of the past and move forward in your life.

I’d love to hear how you apply The Sanctuary Solution to get healing and self-love.

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