Love, Dating, and Relationship Tips: From a Therapist
Embarking on the journey of dating is certainly a gamble, an intentional play of time, vulnerability, and emotions. At best, we find a lifetime partner, someone who complements us in every way. At worst, we might find ourselves involved with individuals lacking empathy, insight, maturity, responsibility, and the will to grow – energy vampires. If your family background resonates with this narrative, or worse, traits of narcissism or sociopathy, the painful reality you need to face is that the destructive personalities you might gravitate toward are often a reflection of your own dysfunctional past. It's a pattern many of us recognize – repeatedly dating similar individuals with identical struggles. Surprisingly, this isn't a matter of chance, but rather a manifestation of our psychology. The good news is that our psychology is adaptable. If we confront and overcome our past, shedding the dysfunctional psychological patterns we've absorbed, we can redirect our attractions. In every moment lies the power of choice – to either fall into a repetitive pattern that brings us harm or take a path that promotes growth.
Dating is a complex, subconscious process, governed not just by the present but also by our past experiences, societal conditioning, and even our genetic make-up. Yet, the power to shift our attractions and the kind of partners we attract lies within us. Intriguingly, most of the action in dating occurs beneath our conscious awareness. To help navigate these complexities, I'd like to share two types of tips concerning short-term and long-term dating. Every small, short-term action contributes to long-term behavior patterns, both for actions taken and those avoided. This understanding has guided me on my healing journey, and it's a piece of wisdom I share with my clients and listeners.
Here's another overarching dating tip: Embrace a season of confidence building. Most highly sensitive individuals dread the idea of pretending until they become genuinely confident. However, giving yourself permission to step into the unknown is not just acceptable; it's crucial. In doing so, you allow yourself to learn and grow, discarding the old, dysfunctional behaviors.
Now, let's discuss the first tip: Don't overthink it. As survivors or highly sensitive people, we must practice being present in the moment. Dating isn't an interrogation or a job interview; it's about experiencing how energies align. It's like a tennis match, with both players checking if they can keep the game going. Or better yet, consider the analogy of dancing. Dancers learn the steps mentally but must then embody these steps, transitioning from mind to body, trusting in their practice. This trust allows for fluidity in their movements, and they can truly dance. Similarly, dating requires less thought and more instinct, more presence. Overthinking it, clinging to hypervigilance, can make the process clunky and awkward.
If you've been constantly on guard, anticipating red flags at every turn, the idea of letting go of hypervigilance may unsettle you. But bear with me. Hypervigilance, while it may have been your shield during traumatic experiences, doesn't necessarily keep bad things at bay. If it did, I'd advocate for it. But the reality is, hardships occur regardless of our vigilance. The key is to handle adversities as they come, even if they bring pain.
Imagine the energy you could harness by being present on a date, by tuning into your gut feelings rather than overthinking. It's essential to let go of that heavy shield of hypervigilance, to present your authentic self and truly experience your date's energy. Strive to show up on a date as your authentic self, not clouded by hypervigilance, anxiety, or fatigue.
So, if the first dating tip is to let go of overthinking, I encourage you to explore its subtleties and practice it until it becomes second nature. This will help you achieve a sense of presence and peace, allowing your true self to shine through, unhindered by fears or past traumas.
I urge you to make room within yourself to comprehend the concept of energy. I realize it may come across as ambiguous or abstract, but bear with me as I unpack what I mean by understanding energy. I often notice a particular pattern in highly sensitive individuals, particularly women, although it affects men too: the blurring lines between anxiety and intuition, especially when navigating romantic relationships.
My aim is to inspire you to earnestly and purposefully delve into differentiating anxiety from intuition. This journey of self-discovery, akin to a yogic teaching I picked up years ago, involves the removal of veils of delusion, one at a time. As each veil lifts, we gain clarity, similar to gradually adjusting our eyes to the bright sunlight after emerging from darkness. We gradually learn and adapt, integrating fresh insights and evolving ways of existence.
In this process, we often long for immediate illumination, but sudden exposure to the truth can be as blinding as stepping into bright sunlight from the dark. The key here is understanding whether a thought or feeling stems from anxiety or intuition. One clue is that our intuition is never mistaken, though we may misinterpret it. This is exactly what we are trying to learn here: becoming adept at understanding the language our intuition speaks.
Next, it's crucial to acknowledge and understand your patterns to change them. Deep introspection of my dating patterns led me to realize that I often modified my behavior to please others, which was neither fair to me nor my partners. Recognizing and understanding your own patterns is an act of self-love, an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with yourself.
Furthermore, it's important to know your non-negotiables in relationships. As individuals who tend to lead with our hearts, it's critical to establish and adhere to our non-negotiables, particularly in dating. For instance, I knew that I wanted to remain child-free and pursue my passion for sharing my stories with the world, and these became non-negotiables for me. If someone does not respect your non-negotiables, it's a clear sign of overstepping boundaries, which brings me to my next point: Boundaries.
Boundaries are fundamental to our sense of self-worth. They help keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. We have to discern between persuasion and manipulation, particularly if we come from backgrounds fraught with manipulation or dysfunction. We have to be discerning in our relationships to protect ourselves.
Lastly, prepare an uplifting and positive narrative about your traumatic history to share with potential partners. Rather than portraying yourself as 'broken,' adopt a perspective of growth and resilience, emphasizing your progress and dedication to continual self-improvement. Remember, we are all works in progress, striving to navigate the complexities of life, love, and self-understanding.
In your journey of life, have you wondered what your narrative is? Are you missing the gloomy demeanor like our friend Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Or do you feel the pride, the self-appreciation, and the strength to uplift yourself instead of pressing yourself down? Imagine you’re in the spotlight; bright and gleaming. This isn’t a facade. The dawn isn’t deceitful for breaking after the night. Similarly, embracing your inner radiance isn’t dishonest. Construct your unique tale and embrace it. You are not shattered, you are not beyond repair, and you are not just a shadow. Even if inner critics try to dim your light, prove them wrong. Embrace your luminescence.
Next advice: Focus on what you desire, not what you don't. Don’t be disheartened if someone doesn’t feel the same way about you, and don’t be too harsh on yourself if you don’t reciprocate someone’s feelings. The world is vast, filled with billions of unique souls. It’s okay not to like everyone. Yes, it might seem contradictory since we are talking about embracing the light. But, realism has its place. It’s not about painting an unattainable utopia. Being positive also means being genuine. It's okay for people not to click. What's essential is mutual respect and realizing that each person has something special. We are in search of someone who resonates with our soul.
Now, let’s talk about rejection. It sounds intimidating, doesn’t it? But let’s give it a twist. Instead of seeing it as a pitfall, see it as an opportunity. Express gratitude for not wasting each other's time and wish each other the best in finding the right person. It’s like a friendly farewell.
Moving on, when it comes to dating, communicate openly but with grace. Be inquisitive without being overbearing. Be genuine, but remember that dating is an art. Imagine it as a burlesque show, rather than laying everything bare. It’s about enticingly revealing just enough to spark curiosity and desire.
Now, let’s redefine romance. True romance isn’t an endless shower of affection and gifts; it’s much deeper. Often, initial attractions are mistaken for love. However, these are ephemeral, like a fire that eventually burns out. Instead, seek something that intrigues and grows over time. Real love is stable, like a foundation upon which you can build.
Lastly, think of a relationship akin to a partnership, or even a business. Yes, it might not sound very romantic, but it's practical. In a relationship, issues must be addressed, compromises made, and sometimes, tough decisions taken. True love is not just a feeling but a daily commitment to support and grow with each other despite the hurdles and differences.
In conclusion, love and dating are complex. However, embracing yourself, being open and genuine, and understanding the depths of true love can lead to fulfilling relationships. The cornerstone of love is the love you cultivate within yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you’ll attract the right energies. Keep in mind that the possibilities are limitless. There's no single path or perfect partner; it’s about growth, learning, and finding harmony with someone who compliments you.
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 7
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 71
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 10
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 51
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 36
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 12
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 7
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 71
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 10
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 51
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 36
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 12
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
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