Redefining Mother's Day: A Personal Journey of Maternal Relationships
In today's episode, we'll explore the theme of Mother's Day and delve into Maya Angelou's 'Letter to My Daughter.' While Mother's Day is a day of joy for some, it also holds pain for others, for various reasons. My personal experience entails having severed contact with my mother since my early 20s, the past two decades being filled with legal battles against my father. If this day brings a mix of sweetness and sorrow, or solely bitterness, it's essential to know that your relationship with this pain can, and will, evolve. Nowadays, Mother's Day holds no particular significance for me. It used to be a day of great distress due to my toxic relationship with my mother. I never thought I would reach this point of neutrality.
If you're new to the show, a warm welcome to you. You'll get to know me as someone who genuinely believes in using my professional and personal experiences to foster emotional intelligence and resilience in others, to help them heal, and experience greater joy and peace. I've got a degree in psychology, a master's in counseling, and have been a practicing psychotherapist for 17 years. But my belief in healing stems not merely from my academic background or professional expertise but from my own journey of healing and helping clients on their path to peace and joy, which we all rightfully deserve.
Mother's Day was particularly challenging for me in the first five years after cutting off contact with my mother. Each year, it felt like the day reopened old wounds, a seemingly cruel ritual. However, it presented an opportunity to cleanse the old, deep wounds, allowing them to heal completely. We grieve the loss of anything or anyone, even if it's the right decision. This sense of loss is felt when relationships end, when we move away, or make significant life changes. It's normal to grieve, even when we are sure of our decisions. This is true when ending contact with someone, when getting a divorce, or even when transitioning from high school to college.
In my case, I didn't just mourn the loss of my mother but also the loss of the ideal mother I had envisioned. Mother's Day promotions often portray an ideal image of motherhood, which can add to the trauma and pain for those with a difficult mother-child relationship. I had to grieve the loss of the mother I was born to and the ideal mother I would never have.
It may sound overly simplistic, but what brought healing to me was becoming a mother to my inner child. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of inner child work, it may seem odd, but bear with me. This approach is about nurturing and healing our inner psyche. By becoming a mother to my inner child, I began to heal my mother wounds. There is no expectation of perfection, but I strive to be the best mother I can be to myself. This involves acknowledging when I make mistakes, apologizing to myself, and making necessary changes. It's a healing process that has been beneficial for my psyche, body, peace, sanity, growth, and security.
We've never required flawless parenting. Instead, personal accountability, empathy, and a humble acceptance of our imperfections combined with the ability to apologize and make amends - this is the style of parenting most of us have craved, even if we've never articulated it as such. For those of you embarking on a healing journey and worried about traumatizing your children due to your outbursts or bad days, remember your children don't need perfection. As we heal, we inevitably develop greater personal responsibility, kindness, empathy, and a humble acceptance of our own flaws. This includes learning to apologize and make amends in our relationships and, if we are parents, in our parenting. This is the good stuff, the healing stuff, the stuff that prevents trauma. And we can grow into it.
By the sixth to eighth year after cutting ties with my mother, I noticed the pain around Mother's Day starting to ease. The billboards and commercials still caused annoyance and a heavy heart. Seeing mothers and daughters celebrating together would still trigger pain, but it wasn't as intense. By the tenth year, Mother's Day had become just another day for me. The more I nurtured my own inner child, the more complete and adult I felt. I began to feel free, truly free.
Life continues to teach us lessons, and we can either resist or learn as quickly as we can. Once I was comfortable with Mother's Day, I made the decision not to have children. Despite being someone who loves children and was expected to have a large family, I chose a different path. It felt right, even though it differed from the vision I'd held for 35 years. I had to grieve Mother's Day anew, coming to terms with the fact that my experiences of Mother's Day with my stepdaughter during my first marriage were all I was going to have.
Now, at 43, I am truly at peace. Mother's Day is just another day. It's important to know that processing our pain helps us reach the other side, a place that feels like a sigh of relief, like a cool breeze on a summer's day. This journey builds resilience, a quality essential for a good life. If Mother's Day or any holiday stirs up emotional wounds, consider it an opportunity to cleanse the wound a little more, trusting that it will eventually heal. Over time, even scars can fade until they're barely noticeable.
Despite doubt, fatigue, and criticism, don't let despair overwhelm you. You can heal. You are healing. There is always more healing available. If you haven't reached the other side of your pain yet, keep going. If you're frustrated about having to do more healing, that's okay. Just remember that more healing is possible and available, and you're willing to do it when the time is right. No rush, no pressure, just openness to the possibility.
If you're new to this show, you might not know that I'm a highly sensitive person and an empath. I am easily moved to tears by beautiful moments or strong feelings of connection. When I need a mother figure, I often turn to Maya Angelou. I envision her standing behind me, her hand on my shoulder, symbolizing her strength and support. I invite you to do the same, visualizing someone who provides that sense of support for you.
I often receive Mother's Day messages from people I've helped on their healing journey. If you need someone to stand behind you, providing strong, supportive, and healthy feminine energy, I am always available. Feel the support from all the female ancestors we've descended from. Allow yourself to feel supported. Even if it's an unfamiliar feeling, don't deny yourself something that could be beneficial. Let the wise person within you make the decisions.
I want to share the forward from the book, "Letter to My Daughter," authored by the esteemed Ms. Maya Angelou, who I consider my spiritual mother. This is the very first unnumbered page. ‘Letter to My Daughter.‘
Dear Daughter, composing this letter has been a lengthy process. I've always known that I wanted to share with you some valuable lessons I've acquired and the circumstances under which I learned them. My life has been extensive, and guided by the belief that life favors the brave, I've ventured into many things, often with fear, but always with courage. Only the events and lessons that I've found beneficial are included here. I haven't detailed how I've applied these solutions, knowing that you are intelligent, innovative, and capable, and will utilize them as you see fit. This book contains stories of my upbringing, unforeseen crisis, a selection of poems, a few amusing anecdotes to induce laughter, and others to inspire contemplation. I've encountered people who've had good intentions and taught me invaluable lessons, and also those who've wished me harm, serving as a stark reminder that life isn't always pleasant. I've made numerous mistakes and will undoubtedly make more before my time comes. When I've witnessed pain, when my clumsiness has caused discomfort, I've learned to accept my responsibility, to forgive myself first, then to offer an apology to anyone affected by my misjudgment. Since I cannot undo the past, repentance is all I can offer to God. I hope that my heartfelt apologies were accepted. You may not be able to control all the events that occur in your life, but you can choose not to be diminished by them. Strive to be a ray of light in someone's gloomy day. Do not grumble. Make a concerted effort to change the things you dislike. If you can't affect a change, adjust your perspective. You might find a fresh solution. Never moan. Moaning signals a bully that a potential victim is nearby. Ensure that you don't leave this world without making a significant contribution to humanity. I birthed one child, a son, but I consider myself a mother to thousands of daughters. You are of different races and religions, Asian, Spanish-speaking, Native American. You are heavy and slim, attractive and plain, homosexual and heterosexual, educated and uneducated. I am addressing all of you. This is my gift to you. Happy Mother's Day, wherever you are on this day.
Our individual experiences of Mother's Day and the concept of motherhood can vary significantly, colored by our own unique narratives. We must remember that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, to grieve, to feel pain, and to heal in our own time. Embracing the journey of self-healing and nurturing our inner child can help us cultivate emotional intelligence and resilience. We can learn to honor our own needs, becoming the mother figure we need for ourselves. Whether you're estranged from your mother, grieving the loss of an ideal mother, or grappling with your decision not to become a mother, remember that healing is possible, and there is always room for more. As Maya Angelou so eloquently shared in her ‘Letter to My Daughter,’ we can strive to be a ray of light in someone's day and leave a significant contribution to humanity. As we navigate through our personal journeys, let us not forget that we have the power to define what Mother's Day means to us and transform it into a day of self-love, self-care, and healing.
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 7
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 71
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 10
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 51
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 36
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 12
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
Episode Tags
- ADD 1
- Abuse 14
- Alcohol 3
- Anger 8
- Bullying 4
- Childhood 37
- Codependency 7
- Covid 4
- Crystal Catalina 4
- Depression 15
- Detachment 2
- Disassociation 4
- Emotions 71
- Existentialism 1
- Faith 1
- Family 24
- Fatigue 4
- Focus 3
- Gratitude 11
- Grief 10
- Guilt 2
- Healers 7
- Healing 51
- High Sensation 4
- Hope 1
- Hypervigilance 7
- Introverts 6
- Lonliness 7
- Love 3
- Manifesting 5
- Manipulation 19
- Men 1
- Mindfulness 36
- Money 10
- Music 3
- Nutrition 2
- Overthinking 8
- PTSD 11
- Parenting 12
- People Pleasing 7
- Perfectionism 6
- Pets 4
- Relationships 12
- Resiliency 12
- Sadness 1
- Self Esteem 16
- Self Love 11
- Self-Care 24
- Sex 1
- Shame 4
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